I am for the moment a bit outside my journey. I am in Coca/ Ecuador where I joined a film-crew in order to do two small animation sequences for a sort of docu-fiction on reproductive rights. Since it is going very slow and desorganized , I still haven`t had the chance to do any work. But the people are lovely: they bought me cake and wine for my birthday :) Meanwhile I also bought wine and chocolates... so we got a bit wasted last evening
I know I still have to do the posts on Bolivia and Peru, but my head is full with other stuff. As I said at the beginning, this journey was planned a bit as a life quest... a way for me to put myself out of my comfort zone, to figure myself out, see if I am living my life right... and so on
I started wrong, I started wanting to return as soon as possible to the man I'd recently fallen in love with. But one month after my departure, that man started to fade away and a week ago dissapeared completely and I had to realize he never existed to beginn with (yeah, I've been here before...). I did feel it coming, but still it hurt as hell, especially since I haven't been given a fighting chance, but a spear in the back. I am telling myself, I should be grateful it happened like this, that I had to do this trip alone, and that it could have been a much longer and more painful charade...
But WTF?!!!
I had to admit, I've fallen in my same old pattern, believing in words and not in deeds. I'm such a sucker for pretenders! and what I've realized alongside with that, is that I DO CHOOSE MEN RESEMBLING MY FATHER!!! Shocker! I thought I'd never, because I never had a phisically violent boyfriend, but actually the feature these men, actually boys, share with my father is a deeper character flaw... And I also had to admit that I really, really loved my father as a little girl and I tryied desperately to gain his affection...and this is what I still do! But there was none to give... and never will be.
So what do I do with this naiive little girl? How do I make her dissapear?...
...this is what's eating me right now and keeps me from enjoying the view, or wait! maybe the problem is that there is no view !!! That's it, i'm off to Quito! ;)
I know I still have to do the posts on Bolivia and Peru, but my head is full with other stuff. As I said at the beginning, this journey was planned a bit as a life quest... a way for me to put myself out of my comfort zone, to figure myself out, see if I am living my life right... and so on
I started wrong, I started wanting to return as soon as possible to the man I'd recently fallen in love with. But one month after my departure, that man started to fade away and a week ago dissapeared completely and I had to realize he never existed to beginn with (yeah, I've been here before...). I did feel it coming, but still it hurt as hell, especially since I haven't been given a fighting chance, but a spear in the back. I am telling myself, I should be grateful it happened like this, that I had to do this trip alone, and that it could have been a much longer and more painful charade...
But WTF?!!!
I had to admit, I've fallen in my same old pattern, believing in words and not in deeds. I'm such a sucker for pretenders! and what I've realized alongside with that, is that I DO CHOOSE MEN RESEMBLING MY FATHER!!! Shocker! I thought I'd never, because I never had a phisically violent boyfriend, but actually the feature these men, actually boys, share with my father is a deeper character flaw... And I also had to admit that I really, really loved my father as a little girl and I tryied desperately to gain his affection...and this is what I still do! But there was none to give... and never will be.
So what do I do with this naiive little girl? How do I make her dissapear?...
...this is what's eating me right now and keeps me from enjoying the view, or wait! maybe the problem is that there is no view !!! That's it, i'm off to Quito! ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment